When the need to please turns obsession

Séduction compulsive, excessive... On utilise souvent ces termes à tort et à travers, sous couvert de jugements un brin moralisateurs. Qui n'a jamais entendu - ou même pensé : "Cette fille est une séductrice compulsive, à chaque soirée, elle drague un nouvel homme !" Au grand dam des femmes, le fait d'aimer plaire, et de le montrer, est encore associé à un comportement négatif. Dans le même cas de figure, l'homme sera plutôt qualifié de "Don Juan". Un petit côté dramaturge presque noble. Pour ceux qui l'ignoreraient encore, on peut aimer plaire - même à chaque soirée - sans que ce soit pathologique, ni dégradant. "Les plus dures se sont les femmes entre elles. Celles qui n'assument pas leur féminité projettent leur frustration sur une femme qui assume sa sexualité", affirme la psychologue et psychothérapeute de couples et de familles, Agnès Fabre, "la société a du mal à accepter qu'une femme puisse être respectable en aimant séduire", ajoute-elle. La frontière entre le goût de la séduction et le trouble affectif est parfois mal perçue. Ce trouble n'en reste pas pour autant fictif. Chez certaines personnes, il est bien réel.

Can we talk about excess in seduction?

In addition to the previous observation which results from many persistent years of patriarchy, compulsive seduction is a real disorder.And this one does not speak only on the dancefloor with a mojito in hand.To need to please at all costs is everywhere, all the time, with anyone.Love or sexual quest is not the engine of this behavior.This is the absolute need to be appreciated by everyone: by colleagues, friends of friends (friends), or the Sushi delivery man.

"I think we can talk about excess in the need to seduce when this need no longer has the purpose of the search for shared pleasure but is reduced to an attempt to use the other - including otheris also denied-with the aim of a valuation of oneself ", analyzes the psychiatrist and sexologist, Anne-Marie Lazartigues.

How is this disorder manifests?

Compulsive seducers and seducers want to be at the center of attention, they want us to love them."To need to please at all costs, to be seen, to be noticed, it is a way of asking the other to be interested in oneself.These people do not want us to remain indifferent to their contact, "analyzes Alice de Lara, couple therapist and family mediator."Those who have this extreme need to please cannot help it: they lack sincerity, they cannot be simple, transparent, or simply to be silent," she adds.

But being appreciated by all is a bold challenge.Compulsive seducers have a fairly exceptional ability to adapt to their audience, they juggle different masks depending on the person in front of them.Handling ?Perversion?Narcissistic pervert!Yes, but no - not even at all: "Compulsive seducers have a slight tendency to manipulation, but general seduction plays on this, we must not confuse with perversion.Being a great seducer and being a narcissistic pervert is not the same thing at all, "explains Agnes Fabre.

Doctor Anne Marie Lazartigues completes this observation: "Large seducers disturb in society because their need to seduce is a need to manipulate the other while denying his otherness.They only think of them, which, of course, ends up devaluing their 'victims' even if they can start by feeling flattened ".So yes, when we want to please at all costs we put ourselves forward, yes we talk all the time, yes we make charm.But no, we don't have self -confidence.

What is the origin of this disorder?

"In adolescence, we have a need to please that is important to transform a little, to adapt to what the other expects, it is normal behavior.After adolescence, when becomes a young adult, people who have a fairly solid construction no longer need to wear this mask of seduction, they agree not to please everyone, "explains the Paris psychologist.

For compulsive seducers, man as a woman, this is not the case.The fear of not being loved for what they are really anime - hence the masks."People who really trust them do not need to play them, they assume very well not to please," adds Agnes Fabre.

The cause of this disorder dates back to childhood, as evokes the therapist of couple Alice de Lara: "This behavior testifies to a lack of self -confidence, a shortfall to fill.This happens in particular among people who have not been put forward enough by their parents ".

And whatever sex, the fight is the same."Excessive seductors and excessive seducers have the same narcissistic flaws.This behavior hides deep suffering, there may even be depressive episodes, these people work through their anxieties of loss, abandonment, "said Agnès Fabre.

You will understand, the compulsive seducer is neither a narcissistic pervert, nor a girl who accumulates conquests, nor even this colleague who asked you twice to come and have a coffee with him.They are someone who constantly needs to be reassured.The compulsive seducer has large trusted flaws, flaws he fills through the eyes of others.